My Answers to Bob Greene

Along with doing Weight Watchers I have decided to try and work on some of the topics Oprah is doing in her Best Life Series. It is the closest I think I can get to have a Jillian from the biggest loser helping me. Today’s show was awesome and here are my responses to Bob Greene’s five questions. A bit personal but since I have limited people reading I am okay sharing. Here is the link in case you would like to participate.

What are you really hungry for?

Unconditional Love and Approval. I want to know that no matter what I am loved for who I am. Even if I never change from what I am today I want to know it is enough. I want to know that for my mother, grandfather and aunt it is enough. I want to be good enough for myself. I want to not wish I was someone else all the time thinking that it would make others like and love me more to think me worthy. I want to not have to prove my worth to others. I want to be loved unconditionally. I don’t think it is really my family that isn’t loving me. I actually know that my family loves me and since having Ava and Kohen I know they love me but I can’t seem to shake that need for approval and the need I feel to prove myself to them in hopes I will be everything they want me to be. Somewhere deep inside me is fear that any moment they will leave me. I fear that they will find someone better and choose them over me. I realize this is silly and frankly stupid but its there and I don’t know how to get rid of it. So I am hungry for self approval as well. I am hungry to love myself unconditionally.

Why are you overweight?

See post below and add to my love of food. I would also throw in that I eat to not deal with childhood issues. Possibly the abandonment of my father when I was a baby. I have always pretended it didn’t matter because I have a GREAT Dad but I stop myself from thinking(till now) about the hurt in knowing that a man could leave me, his baby and not look back. That I wasn’t good enough to send Christmas presents to, take for vacations or even call on birthdays, nothing. I meant NOTHING to him. So in order to not think about how worthless I was to him or others in my life I eat.

Why have you been unable to maintain weight loss in the past?

I have never committed myself too it. Probably for fear of giving it my all and failing.

What in your life is not working?

Ha! I am sitting here trying to figure this out and all I think of is that my mind is not helping me. I am my own worst enemy and doubter. I do not have faith in myself because I don’t consider myself worthy.

Why do you want to lose weight?

To be able to play with my kids and be here for them for a long time. So that I can walk with confidence and not worry that I am being judge for my weight. To be healthy not need asthma meds and to be proactive in my health as I get older. I want to lose weight to look good. To be a cute Mom. I want to be thin so I that I can not embarrass my children by being their fat mom. So I can set a good example for my kids and lead by my actions not just my words. To feel good about me. To take control over my emotions and not eat them. So I can move on from the bad things that have happen to me and not let them control me.

January 4th next update February 4th.


The Weight Post…

So as listed in a previous post I am working on me this year and losing this weight that has taken over my body the last DECADE of my life. I can’t remember always being overweight I dare to say in high school I was definitely average size 6/7. Then it happen college really, second semester college. To deal with a situation that tested me beyond belief I ate. I ate a lot specifically steak and cheese subs from Santino’s with the best sauce ever. And of course the Papa John’s Sausage Pizza with the garlic sauce. I came home from school in May and my parents thought I was pregnant (extremely embarrassing). I am not sure if it was the situation or how my loved ones reacted that hurt me most. I don’t know if possibly it was me just needing a reason to eat or if I thought eating and gaining weight would protect me in the future. Then it just kept coming over the years I have gained and gained. I have also lost and then gained again. This year I plan to rid myself of this weight for good. I turn 30 in 3 months. I am letting go. Letting go of the anger, anger towards him, anger towards my family and anger towards me. I will not let this define who I am in my 30’s. I have given the weight, the words of my family and friends power over my life for 1o years and this year it ends. Now I would love to say that I will get back into my Express jeans that Kevin bought me when I was 18 (I believe I still have them?) but realistically I know that may not happen and it probably won’t. So my goal is to get to a weight where I am healthy. At the moment I don’t suffer from the weight except for emotionally and my asthma. But type 2 diabetes runs in my family and my grandfather suffers from heart disease so I want to be proactive. I also want to be able to run. This may seem basic for most people and I am not totally sure it is because I am overweight that I can’t run or because I have extremely flat feet but it is a dream of my to go for a run. So in the next three months I will be blogging about my progress and updating where I am at. I realize I got to this point over 10 years and 3 months is not going to undo it all, but I believe that 3 months is a good start and a nice small amount of manageable time. So for now I am focusing on the next three months. All I want to be able to do then is try on the clothes on the top of my closet and have them fit well. They are all my current size and one size below not a 7 or 10. I want to fit into my 14’s and 12’s without bulges and rolls. I want to be jogging for at least 10 minutes. I want to not need my inhaler.